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entry from my quarantine journal


4.12.20

who i have been, and who i will become, hovering in this present moment like the humming bird i saw quivering outside of my window this morning. humming birds, in their beingness, remind me of joy, joy perhaps at the arrival of spring, or joy for no reason at all but just because.  

i’m learning to relax my shoulders. as i’m learning to relax my shoulders, i’m learning to also let go of what is not mine to carry and leave the responsibility of changing others behind. it’s not my responsibility to change how others will navigate this moment, or the next, or how we will even transform society together. it is more about: me, being me, and changing myself, for that is really the only thing i have control over, and if that inspires someone else, me being me, than so it is. 

to be on earth in these times. i do feel that i chose to come here for a reason, and i can feel the ancestors hands beckoning, and i feel the weight slide off as i remember bayo’s words: “your life purpose is an intergenerational project”. i think about the lineages i have chosen in this life time, the lineages of my parents, and what wounds and gifts they have to offer me. and how i can make medicine with them. 

as a witch, i feel like i find myself making medicine. making medicine of my own shadow parts, making medicine with the energy of the earth that speaks to me through plants, making medicine with my challenges, my griefs, my persistent and returning lessons. 

i feel myself opening up, like a red rose, petals beginning to unfurl and mimic the sigh of spring all around me. i find myself fixated on learning and returning to the study of how to provide basic needs for my people, like how to grow food, how to hold the children (inside us and outside us), how to rest our minds, clear energy from our space, stay well. 


i’m grateful. i’m grateful for the gift of partnership, by which i mean a relationship that endures and unfolds throughout so much, and i’m grateful for the gift of the sunlight, when it’s here, and the moon light, when it’s here. last night, Jah and I went down to the water and embraced the darkness with a night sit. sitting still, with the night, my third eye opened so much. i love the darkness and how it feels so easy on my senses. i love how i get to release my socialized fear of the night, turning my trauma body down and holding space for the fears of persecution and danger that might arise. i love how at home i can feel, completely concealed but watching, and being watched by the world around me, especially the stars. 


to be on earth in these times. i do feel that i chose to come here for a reason, and i can feel the ancestors hands beckoning, the future ones calling, singing their haunting songs of possibility, resilience, and courage… 
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