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scorpio season prayers

Summer now feels like a faraway dream.
My body is becoming used to the cold, constricting feeling of Fall. The sharp turn of temperature that makes me contract. For very long I have been taught that to contract is a sign of weakness, is “bad”. I do not see this as true anymore. Contraction is a natural cousin to expansion. They need one another.
Whenever I experience a full-fledged expansion, where my wings are full spread and I am offering myself to the world with a lot of generosity, I know that there will come a time when I will curl back inside myself again, and retreat. Being mentored by the cycles of nature have taught me this, as well as being mentored by my own inner cycles, of blood, of energy, of emotions.
This summer was very intense on my body. My nesting partner and I moved out of our home, and we also traveled a lot. Neither of us particularly enjoyed this. There was also family griefs we were moving with and a whole year of feeling unsatisfied and depressed with our lives.…
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a word on wetness :

we are beginning to feel autumn bite at our fingertips. it nips at the tips of our ears and tickles the inside of our necks, not yet covered by scarves.
i love autumn. i love this witch bitch, sad boygirl fall. i love when things get colder, leading us to gather warmth around fires, with loved ones, and in our hearts.
my ancestors know something about how to keep and stay warm throughout the winter months. i am thinking of my slavic peoples, who braved beautiful and terrible winters for generations.
there is one in me who is thinking about stocking, taking stock, and preparing for the colder months to come. i am in a new home. with a new view. i am next to green again, writing with green. is this home perfect? no, but what is. i am learning to let go of my deeply embedded perfectionism that white supremacy and colonialism has taught me. i do not need to be perfect. neither does anything around me .
letting go of this is liberating, and also hard. it is a quiet return to myself day and day …

apprenticing to death

we carve mountains out of our spine because that is how the earth taught us.
the earth taught us some things. the earth taught us about poetry, about being gentle, about being fierce.
the earth teaches us about time. about when to express and shine and when to be hidden and withdraw
withdrawing one’s energy into oneself and becoming darkness is sacred
our world does not remember this our world is only fruiting and harvesting
there is no awareness of “death” in our world i want to be an awareness for death in this world

i will stop (never stop mourning)

monday, april 15th, 2019 :: waxing moon 


how our hands hold dream
how we are making dreams when we 
cook love, for our beloved, with our hands 


when we cook yams, and beets, and greens 
and how this gives us our hands back to us 


how we fall in love with experience 
how we handle, tangle, and disturb even the outsides 
of what we want 


i am in so much pain 
i am in so much physical pain today 
and i am breathing with it and then pausing to weep 


the weeping comes out of my body sometimes


sometimes the weeping does not stop 


sometimes i wonder how much longer i will be grieving my mothers grief 


how can i make separate her grief from mine? when really, 
it is a line of beckoning hands showing me their scars 
and how can i say no? 
how can i say no to my own kin? 


i can . 


i can say no. because i love myself, because i care for myself and my life and my dreams 
more than i care for being loved 
because i will no longer shrink myself in order to feel love anymore 


no


i will stop trying …

heat wave

today, our limbs got heavy.
the air swirled around us and contained traces of fire and ash.  today, our lungs constricted a bit, and our tempers spiked.  i hear the voice of my mother in my head, 
talking to me about prevention, preparation, and resilience. 
i spent a portion of my day tending to the youth.  this is a sacred job. in all the different ways that people do that, as parents, as caregivers, as nannies and babysitters, as teachers. those who tend to the youth in terms of childcare and mentorship. it is a sacred job. 
we must have boundaries with technology. this is something i learned today when being with an eight year old. the way they feed us technology and make us become addicted on it is fascinating. kids as old as two or three can be seen staring into a screen, and i deeply believe that this changes our brain functioning and is part of some sick idea driven by republican (&some democrat) aliens to merge our bodies with computers so we become hybrid beings and easi…

" fairies feature prominently in scottish witch trial records "

.... coming soon ..... 

thoughts on dying ::

what document were you, before he entered
what need, were you, bleeding to her without recognizing it in yr own eyes
why does the page keep disappearing? who are you? what are you? why can’t you See yourself?
these are the things i write when i am sorry. these are the things i write when i am lonely. when i am sad. when i am heroic. when i bring my feelings to the page instead of throwing them on someone else.
we use our words to heap feelings on people we use our energy, our capacity for human intention, which really is a seed of magik, to harm, hurt, lock up, wack, chord, invade, disrupt other people
this can happen. this does happen.
(and it can be seen on many levels)
___

A question I recently received from Sandra Kim stays with me:

" How can we stop being afraid of how much racism we have internalized? " 
___
we must again return to the earth \\\\  with the hands of our ancestors, their wisdoms, their remembering of how it used to be, at least in parts,
of the ways of harmony, balance, peace, trus…