scorpio season prayers

Summer now feels like a faraway dream. 

My body is becoming used to the cold, constricting feeling of Fall. The sharp turn of temperature that makes me contract. For very long I have been taught that to contract is a sign of weakness, is “bad”. I do not see this as true anymore. Contraction is a natural cousin to expansion. They need one another. 

Whenever I experience a full-fledged expansion, where my wings are full spread and I am offering myself to the world with a lot of generosity, I know that there will come a time when I will curl back inside myself again, and retreat. Being mentored by the cycles of nature have taught me this, as well as being mentored by my own inner cycles, of blood, of energy, of emotions. 

This summer was very intense on my body. My nesting partner and I moved out of our home, and we also traveled a lot. Neither of us particularly enjoyed this. There was also family griefs we were moving with and a whole year of feeling unsatisfied and depressed with our lives. I am remembering, how a previous therapist, once invited me into a reflection on my quite extensive use of the word “intense” to describe my sensations. What are some other words? She would ask me. By intense, I mean destabilizing, I mean hot, I mean unsettled, I mean nervous, I mean fluttery, I mean chaotic, I mean all over the place, I mean changing a lot, I mean very hot and very fast. 

Even just writing about that kicked my sympathetic nervous system into a higher arousal state :) 

I have been returning, lately, to the remembrance that my goal is not (or maybe it is not even possible?) to have a life where my nervous system is like a flat line, always resourced, never experiencing arousal and activation. I think this can be seductive and perhaps unique to survivors of sexual traumas and/or systemic traumas. This desire to have a baseline, to feel resourced and safe. This is so important in building our capacity to be able to heal the trauma in our bodies. And, we will never stay there forever. We will be pulled back into an aroused state somehow, whether it is from something someone said around us, a memory, a desire not getting met, a desire getting met. We will come out of the womb, sooner or later, in some form. (Is my birth trauma showing? ;) ) 

To ride the waves of life. To ride the waves of arousal, up and down and up and down. This old soul mentality of expecting the ups and downs of life and not really being attached to either of them is something I feel my being grasping for. My sense of home is fluid. Will my resource always be there to return to after each pleasure/pain experience?

As I reflect on that last question, my heart grows tender, and my eyes soften with tears. I notice myself contemplate my relationship with my mother, which is complicated, and the attachment trauma that I have there. Home was not a safe place for me growing up, and I didn’t feel like I could rely on my primary caregivers to be there throughout the throes of life. I have compassion because I know they did their best. They weren’t there for themselves. Most of us are not. 

In astrological readings I have received, the astrologer tells me that I have certain placements in my chart that predict a troubled childhood. I remember that I chose this experience of pain, trauma, and stress as a young person because I wanted to learn something. And out of my learnings and my story, comes my gift for the world. So, I can learn to be grateful for everything I have experienced, especially the challenges. Because it makes me who I am and supports my becoming.

Praying that this coming Scorpio season can be easy on us. That transformation doesn’t always need to be so intense. It can be quiet, gentle, meet the vibration of Fall in its stillness. It can look like prioritizing pleasure and alone time. Small acts of self-love like drinking enough water. Blessed be.