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i will stop (never stop mourning)

monday, april 15th, 2019 :: waxing moon 



how our hands hold dream

how we are making dreams when we 

cook love, for our beloved, with our hands 



when we cook yams, and beets, and greens 

and how this gives us our hands back to us 



how we fall in love with experience 

how we handle, tangle, and disturb even the outsides 

of what we want 



i am in so much pain 

i am in so much physical pain today 

and i am breathing with it and then pausing to weep 



the weeping comes out of my body sometimes



sometimes the weeping does not stop 



sometimes i wonder how much longer i will be grieving my mothers grief 



how can i make separate her grief from mine? when really, 

it is a line of beckoning hands showing me their scars 

and how can i say no? 

how can i say no to my own kin? 



i can . 



i can say no. because i love myself, because i care for myself and my life and my dreams 

more than i care for being loved 

because i will no longer shrink myself in order to feel love anymore 



no



i will stop trying to prove

stop trying to prove i am lovable 

stop trying to prove i am enough 

stop trying to prove that i am a good white, owning class person, 

a caring person, someone you can trust 



i will stop trying to prove these things 



my spine might break 

my hips might cave in on themselves 



and how our hands, our hands hold dream. 
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