i will stop (never stop mourning)

monday, april 15th, 2019 :: waxing moon

how our hands hold dream

how we are making dreams when we

cook love, for our beloved, with our hands

when we cook yams, and beets, and greens

and how this gives us our hands back to us

how we fall in love with experience

how we handle, tangle, and disturb even the outsides

of what we want

i am in so much pain

i am in so much physical pain today

and i am breathing with it and then pausing to weep

the weeping comes out of my body sometimes

sometimes the weeping does not stop

sometimes i wonder how much longer i will be grieving my mothers grief

how can i make separate her grief from mine? when really,

it is a line of beckoning hands showing me their scars

and how can i say no?

how can i say no to my own kin?

i can .

i can say no. because i love myself, because i care for myself and my life and my dreams

more than i care for being loved

because i will no longer shrink myself in order to feel love anymore

i will stop trying to prove

stop trying to prove i am lovable

stop trying to prove i am enough

stop trying to prove that i am a good white, owning class person,

a caring person, someone you can trust

i will stop trying to prove these things

my spine might break

my hips might cave in on themselves

and how our hands, our hands hold dream.

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